


Hitomi no Chikara

by Sanalith



Series: Mirrors [2]
Category: Hikaru no Go
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-22
Updated: 2012-03-22
Packaged: 2017-11-02 08:22:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/366945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sanalith/pseuds/Sanalith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hikaru reflects on his feelings for Akira. Same scene as "Shukuteki," just a different POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hitomi no Chikara

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from the second anime ending, meaning "The Power of Your Gaze."

The first time I ever saw Touya Akira…ah hell, I don’t remember what I thought of him!I was in sixth grade, I’d just been possessed by an annoying Heian-era spirit, and I was being dragged into some random salon to play an old geezer’s game.Cut me some slack!

   
But the second time…now _that’s_ a different story.

   
The second time I dared to step into his lair, to beat him at his own game, I began to understand what sort of Pandora’s Box I’d managed to open.I mean, seriously, what were the odds that the one boy my age in that salon full of old men would be the one person I shouldn’t have been able to beat?For that matter, what were the odds that I would even walk into that particular Go Salon to begin with?It’s not like it was the only one in Tokyo.Heck, it wasn’t even the one closest to my house!It just _happened_ to be the one I agreed to go into, and Touya just _happened_ to be the only person under the age of sixty who was playing.

   
Fate is a fickle, fickle fiend, I tell you.

   
The first game I played against Touya, it took nearly all my concentration just to place the stones where Sai told me.I’d only seen my grandpa play a few times before, and, to be honest, I’d paid little to no attention.Of course, even if I _had_ known the basics of the game, I still would have had no comprehension of how strong Touya was.I suppose a part of my brain wondered why he seemed so quiet, so serious, during the game.Perhaps I even noticed out of the corner of my eye the small, single tear that smeared the lashes of his right eye when I won.At the time I was much more concerned about getting out of there before Sai decided he wanted to play another match.

   
But I couldn’t escape him, no matter how hard I tried.A few days later, Touya came out of nowhere and practically dragged me back into the salon for another round, and when he was forced to resign this time, I began to have the tiniest inkling that maybe, just maybe, this boy wasn’t your average sixth grader.And maybe, just maybe, Sai wasn’t your average Heian ghost, either.

   
God, could I have underestimated the facts any more?

   
When he lost that second time, Touya cried.I had never seen another male cry in my life, especially over a game.I couldn’t understand what he was so upset about, and even when Sai told me that, this time, he hadn’t held back while playing, I still had no conception of what that meant.But I never forgot the look in Touya’s eyes as he swept the stones away in anger, and I never forgot the haunting sounds of his choked sobs.I was such an idiot back then.Nothing was sacred to me.I made fun of everyone and everything, and any hopes and dreams I had for the future were purely superficial.Touya had every right to snap my head off when I joked about taking a title or two for the money.To have been beaten so badly by someone like me, someone who obviously had no idea what the game of Go was about…no wonder he was so upset.Losing would have been bad enough, but losing to someone like me must have torn him apart like nothing else could.

   
But the strangest part was, even though I was ignorant and irreverent, and even though I had _no_ clue what was going on, one small yet monumental piece of information did manage to penetrate my brain that day: Touya Akira was special, and somehow, someway, I knew that he had changed my life forever.

   
It never ceases to amaze me how many “coincidences” there have been in my life the past few years.Out of six billion people in the world, I happen to be only the second person in a thousand years Fujiwarano Sai’s spirit decided was compatible with his ghost. _That_ was undoubtedly the most random thing that ever happened to me, and yet, it was merely the beginning of my journey.It was Sai who led me to Go, and, though Go, to Touya.Again, out of six billion people in the world, it was Touya Akira who stepped into my path.Why?Was it simple coincidence?Destiny, perhaps?

   
Sheer dumb luck?

   
Does it even matter now?Probably not, but I still can’t help thinking about it.Sai may have been inside my mind, but it was Touya who ended up pushing his way inside my soul.And after that second encounter, I knew that, no matter what happened, no matter what direction my life took, Touya Akira was always going to be a part of it.

   
I really, _really_ shouldn’t be reminiscing about this now.I’m in the middle of a match with Touya, and even though it’s only one of our random, afternoon games at his father’s Go salon, it’s not a throwaway match in any way.We play each other with a fierceness and aggressiveness equal to those of any title match.We play each game as if it was our last, savoring every move, every moku.I’m not a sentimental person, and Touya will be the first to tell you that I’m almost as flighty as I ever was, but if there’s one thing I will _always_ take seriously, it is any mach against Touya Akira.I fully admit to not paying attention when I should at lectures and the like, and I can still space out with the best of them, but all it takes is one smoky, steely glance from those emerald green eyes of his, and my whole world snaps sharply into focus.Touya commands the attention of any room in which he enters, but I think it’s safe to say I feel his presence more than most.

   
Of course, on occasion this is not exactly a good thing, but it’s also not something I can change, so I’ve learned to deal with it.At least The Touya Akira Gaze doesn’t start me shaking in my boots, like it does most others.I can be proud of that if nothing else.

  
 _Anyway_ , that being said, I know I should concentrate more on the game at hand.It’s not that I’m not taking it seriously, it’s just that, for some reason, I feel like reminiscing.It’ll probably get me into trouble if I don’t stop, though.I’m doing well so far, even for myself, but Touya still beats me more than half the time.I have to be ready to take advantage of any mistake, however slight, he might____

   
My eyes widened at the last move Touya played, snapping me back fully into the present.Well!I suppose I wanted a mistake, but this…this was _beyond_ a slight weakness I could exploit and bordered on carelessness.A surge of anger licked my veins.“What the hell was that???” I demanded sharply, pointing.If I couldn’t relax my guard, then neither could he!

   
“What was what?” Touya asked serenely, using that infernally soft, almost smug voice I always found _most_ annoying.Damn it, just because he was the son of the most famous Go player of the era, it didn’t give him leave to act all high and mighty!

   
Well, all right, so maybe his skill did, but that was _not_ the point!

   
I stabbed my finger at the stone he had just played.“That!” I all but roared.“That move allowed me to kill the entire cluster of white on the upper left.What in the world were you thinking???”There, take _that,_ Mr. High-and-Mighty Meijin!

   
Touya obediently looked down and re-considered his move, and I crossed my arms in front of my chest and glared at the top of his head.It was horrible, really, the way we fought like cats and dogs over one another’s mistakes.If I were smart I would just let him make his bloody move and get on with the game so I could win!But I can’t stand seeing him make such careless moves.As much as I hate to admit it, Touya _is_ better than me.Hell, he’s better than most of the current pros in Japan!I’m often jealous of that fact, but it doesn’t mean that I’m not proud of him for it.

   
Not that I’d ever tell _him_ that, but there it is.

   
Touya Akira is special.As annoying as all the hero worship and publicity he receives is, I know deep down that he deserves it all and more.Some people perceive him as remote and arrogant, but I know better.Touya is definitely not camera shy, but neither does he like the spotlight, a dilemma I can certainly share.As his infamous rival, I come in for a fair share of publicity myself.As much as it irks me to be seen as second best, at least it’s to him.

   
So why the hell is he making such bloody stupid moves?!?

   
A moment later, those sharp green eyes flicked up from the board and met mine, and I saw a touch of dry humor reflected in their depths.“And what happens when I go here?” he asked quietly, tapping a crosshair on the board.

   
Annoyed at his apparent lack of concern for his own poor move, I irritably shoved his hand away and considered the spot in which he pointed.Move after move flowed through my brain as I rapidly played the game out.I could feel my eyes narrow as I saw what he had.His move had indeed been costly, but I honestly hadn’t seen this.

   
“Due to your lack of defense, these stones die and I still win the game.”Touya’s voice, though still quiet, held a tiny modicum of triumph in it.I snorted quietly.That was his way of acknowledging that he had indeed made a mistake, but his experience and ability to read one moku further than me still put him on top.Reading through the rest of the game, and assuming neither of us made any more foolish moves, I figured he would win by about two and a half moku.

   
Something between anger and regret clenched in my stomach.Yet again, the flawless Touya Akira had had everything under control.Just once, I’d like to be able to catch him in a mistake without making one of my own!

   
“MOU!”I vented my anger in a childish, yet very satisfying way, by swiping my hand across the board and scattering the stones.“Fine!We’re playing again!”

   
He tried to hide it as he silently cleared his stones, but I saw the tiny smile playing at the corners of his mouth.I tried to dredge up another glare, but in the end I grudgingly gave the devil his due.Touya was good, _damn_ good, and he had deserved to win the match.

   
Besides, that hint of triumph earlier in his voice spoke volumes:He still considered it a heavy victory to beat me, and that was worth more to me than winning.As long as Touya Akira still saw me as a rival, an equal, all was right in the world.

   
When I look at Touya, I can sometimes see a mirror of myself.We don’t look anything alike, of course, and we certainly don’t act alike, but occasionally when I look up across the Go board, I can see a little of myself reflected in his eyes.If our positions were reversed, I know he would have yelled at me for my mistake.I smiled thinly as I placed the last of my stones in my _goke_.He had certainly yelled at me often enough in the past!Careless mistakes were simply not tolerated between us.We’re the best, and the only way we’re going to stay the best is by improving constantly.There is no room for regression.

   
I think that’s one of the things I like most about Touya.His passion for the game extends past everything and everyone else.When he’s in the zone, nothing else exists for him.There is no such thing as a practice match for him.Every game counts, and he plays tutoring matches with the same passion and fire as he does a title match.It’s a trait I’ve rarely seen in anyone else, and it’s one I admire.

   
Touya’s strength is something I quickly learned to respect and admire.Even when we were fighting, even when I didn’t truly understand him or his world, I still defended him.When Kaga was bragging about beating him back when they were children, I immediately leapt to his defense, snapping that Touya must not have been trying.I asked him about that game once, and, true to form, he remembered.Apparently he _was_ trying…trying to lose, that is.It figured.Even before I could calculate strength properly, I knew Touya was above and beyond everyone else.

   
Well, almost.

   
As I played the first stone of the new game, I could feel my mouth set into a small scowl.I _needed_ to be able to concentrate on this game, to make sure I didn’t make another stupid move, but my mind seemed to have a will of my own that afternoon.I tried to force myself not to think of him, but even though his ghost is finally and truly gone, his name is never far from my mind, especially when I’m thinking about Go and Touya.

_  
Sai..._

  
A lance of pain still stabs me right in the chest whenever I think too long or too hard about my mentor and friend.I’ve managed to make peace with most of my past, but one thing that will forever burn is how horribly I treated him during his last few weeks on Earth.I denied the world so much genius and passion, and all for my own foolish pride.I had thought it an unforgivable crime for a long, long time, before I was finally able to be convinced otherwise.I glanced up at Touya, who was deep in concentration over the game. _Touya…_ Without him, I might _never_ have forgiven myself.

   
But I discovered one late, rainy evening that, as much as I loved and missed Sai, and as determined as I was to wallow in guilt and self-pity for the rest of my life, there was one person who could offer me the absolution I so desperately needed.

   
Telling Touya about Sai was one of the hardest things I’d ever done.Or rather, it was one of the hardest things I’d ever _started_ doing.Once I got through the whole Heian-ghost-bodily-possession-thing, I found the words slipping from my lips like water.No, Touya was, in fact, _not_ going to commit me to a mental institution, and, no, he was not going to drop me like a stone now that I no longer had an insubstantial genius trailing after me.Oh, he threw a bit of a fit and called me insane for the first five minutes, but then the steel trap he calls a mind began to work, and he saw that, as illogical as it was, my story was, in fact, the only logical explanation.

   
I had intended to stop there, simply explaining how Sai and I were connected, but there was a light in Touya’s eyes and a tone in his voice I had neither seen nor heard before.As intimately connected as Sai and I were, I have a feeling Touya can somehow see into my soul even easier.He knew there was something else bothering me, something shadowing my mind.And slowly, haltingly, I began to tell him about my guilt and my remorse.A part of me expected him to laugh, to tell me it was over and done with and, for pity’s sake, to just give it a rest.

   
Besides, we’re men.Men _don’t_ just go around bawling out their emotions.

   
But then I remembered that Touya was different.He’d allowed me to see _his_ inner emotions.He’d cried and screamed and smiled around me easier than anyone else I knew.Perhaps I _could_ trust him.

   
And I was right.He waited silently while I explained everything, and then, looking directly into my eyes, he softly told me to let go.Sai wouldn’t want me to be neck-deep in guilt for the rest of me life, he said.I should honor his memory by putting his teaching to use, by becoming the next Honinbou Shuusaku.

   
And for some strange reason that I still can’t identify, knowing that _Touya_ forgave me made it easier to forgive myself.After all, he was the one I had kept Sai from; he was the one whose game I had stolen during the third board Haze-Kaiou match.If he wasn’t angry, then maybe, just maybe, Sai wasn’t, either.

   
After I placed my next stone, I again looked up to consider my opponent’s expression.Those hard, emerald eyes were fixed solely on the board, his mind most likely drained of any thoughts but the game.Even after all these years, it still amazes me that I can draw out that harsh gaze. _Me_ , not Sai.Although it was clear when I told him about Sai that he wasn’t openly lamenting the loss of a rival, he never once came out and said the words I needed to hear, that it was _me_ he was chasing after, not Sai.

   
A part of me feels guilty for wanting him to say it so badly.After all, it’s not like I could blame him for chasing after Sai. _He_ was the genius, not me.If not for Sai, I never would have even picked up a Go stone, much less challenged Touya.

   
Who was I kidding?If not for Sai, I never would have had a real _life_!

   
No, I couldn’t blame Touya for missing Sai, but I still wanted him to see me as a rival more than I wanted anything else the world.Every time I make those eyes of his narrow in concentration, every time I can coax even grudging admiration from his soft voice, triumph wells up inside me like a dam breaking.I started playing Go because of Sai, and when he left me, I was willing to give up everything, even my rivalry with Touya, to bring him back.But I knew I would be condemning myself to a half-life, never truly living, and not just because of losing Sai.

   
The fire in Touya Akira’s eyes ignited mine, and without it, I might as well have followed Sai into the afterlife.In them I saw passion, energy, and a seriousness and dedication I’d never seen in anyone before or since.Those fierce emotions I saw drew me to him like a moth to a flame.I wanted _my_ eyes to burn as bright as his.I wanted to show him _I_ could feel as deeply as he did.

   
And so I followed him.Sai trained me, comforted me, encouraged me, loved me like a son…but it was Touya who urged me on to greater heights.Everything I did, I did to get him to look back at me, even for a moment, to acknowledge me as a rival, an equal.I left behind my family, my friends, my teammates in the Go club, _everything_ that was important to me, all to chase after him.

   
And now here we are, years later, still sitting across from one another with a Go board between us.Such a simple pleasure, really, and yet, how intrinsic a part of my life it is.

   
I hope when we die, this Go board follows us.

   
I smirked slightly.Well, honestly, eternity could get boring after a while, couldn’t it?

   
The game is progressing well.Touya managed to gain a small lead, but there is still some room for me to maneuver.I can’t yet read the game all the way through, but I know it’s going to be close.Maybe, just maybe, I can____

   
“Shindou.”

   
Touya’s soft voice snapped me back into reality.I looked up, surprise etched on my face.That tone of voice…that’s his _serious_ tone, one he hardly ever uses in the middle of a game.Hell, we very rarely _talk_ during a game at all!It’s usually more like shouting…

   
“We are…friends, aren’t we?”

   
My hand froze on the stone I was clasping.

   
 _Friends?_

   
I gazed at him steadily, silently across the board, knowing I couldn’t mask the incredulity I was feeling.Friends?Was he out of his mind?Did he have no concept _at all_ of what he was to me?My whole damn _life_ changed because of him! 

   
What we had didn’t have a name, and I wasn’t going to try to give it one.It would cheapen it, somehow.

   
My eyes locked onto his and I judged him, wondering what had brought this on.His eyes, always hard as stone while playing, had an unusual brightness to them.I felt a strange prickling sensation somewhere in the vicinity of my chest, and I thought back to his expressions during the first half of our game.He had been wearing his typical, serious gaze, and it was clear he had been deep in thought.However…

   
He’d made a mistake in that first game.Mine had been bigger, obviously, but his had still smacked of carelessness, and that was unlike him.But he _had_ been thinking deeply.I could tell.

   
Was it possible he’d been thinking about something other than the game?Had he been thinking about the past…just like I was?

   
And had that been hesitation I heard in his voice?

   
In that moment I knew, more surely than anything else, that Touya Akira was never going to leave me.He was never going to go chasing after Sai, was never going to tire of our arguments, was always going to come back to this table and sit across from me and help me build the universe in black and white.

   
Those eyes would always been watching me.It was enough.

   
Overcome with emotion, a laugh bubbled up from me.Touya wanted reassurance.I gave it to him in the only way I knew how.

   
“You ask the stupidest questions,” I said flippantly, leaning back in my chair and draping my arms across my chest.“Come on, it’s your turn.Let’s play.”

   
Touya smiled, then, a true smile, one that lit up his entire face.I didn’t make him smile often.If anything, I usually made him turn into a tower of stony rage.If I was being honest, I didn’t care _what_ emotions I dragged out of him.I only cared that he was comfortable enough around me to let me see them.But I had to admit the smiles were nice.

   
Maybe “friend” was a good enough description of what we were.At the very least, it was a beginning.

   
“Whether we’re friends or not, it’s doesn’t mean I’m going to go easy on you, you know.”His voice was back to normal now, but there was still a strange gentleness to it.I think he understood what I meant.

   
I smiled again, biting back another laugh.That bubbly feeling was still rising in my chest, the one I always feel when I’m getting high on life.No one but Touya Akira brings my world into such sharp, immediate, in-the-second focus.When I’m with him, I live _now_.No one else has ever made me feel that.

   
Being near him is the biggest adrenaline rush _ever_.Playing Go with him is indescribable.   


Touya...

  
I smirked then, tipping my chair back on two legs.“You’re so full of yourself, Touya,” I retorted.“Bring it on.”

   
Whatever moves he was contemplating, whatever tricks he had up his sleeve, I would be ready for him.Those bright eyes returned to the board, and he placed his next stone, attacking one of my largest clusters on the lower right.

   
I smiled thinly. _So that’s how you want to play it._

   
I drew my next stone.

   
I could feel Touya across from me, watching, waiting, plotting.His eyes, often described as cold and remote, burned into me.He would always be there, my eternal opponent in an endless game, watching me, waiting for my next move.

   
Touya Akira.

   
 _My rival_.

   
My friend.

   
My….?


End file.
